Top 6: Killer Animal Films

On Sunday 7th April at The Roxy Bar and Theatre, Classic Horror Campaign are holding another fun filled Double Bill. This time it's a Double Creature Feature of 'Murders in the Zoo' and 'Day of the Animals.'

 
With that in mind, make yourself a drink, put the pets outdoors and settle down with the Fright Writer Top 6 Killer Animals Films. This list is strictly for real life beast only, no aliens, fantasy creatures, make believe monsters or anthromorphic animals.
 
Piranha
Joe Dante's fish feeding frenzy film clearly apes Jaws, resort owner Buck Gardner is clear an imitation of Mayor Larry Vaughan. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and even Piranha's tagline references it's predecessor; Then... you were shocked by the great white shark - Now... you are at the mercy of 1000 jaws! Alexandre Aja ramped up the comedy in his remake in 2010.

Lake Placid
A much underrated comedy horror. A giant crocodile starts picking off tourists and rag tag group are sent to investigate. No man, woman, cow or bear is safe from this killer croc.

Them!
A product of the 1950s nuclear fears, Them! is about ants mutated into giant, man-eating insects by atomic testing in New Mexico. Without doubt, the best of the many bug films of the time and featured in a previous Classic Horror Campaign event.

The Birds
Alfred Hitchcock's adaptation of Daphne Du Maurier sees him link up with his muse Tippi Hedren for the first time. The sheer terror of a usually placid animal turned violent and in Hitch's inimitable style leads for an unforgettable classic.

Jurassic Park
Sorry fundamentalists, dinosaurs did exist and nobody brought them to life on screen quite like Spielberg. From the first jaw dropping scene that we see the dinosaurs flocking through fields, Jurassic Park is a breathtaking ride not least the heart stopping T-rex attack.

Jaws
Another Spielberg classic that may not only be the best creature feature of all time, but may just be the greatest horror film of all time. Based on Peter Benchley's novel of the same name, Jaws was arguably the original summer blockbuster and marked a turning point in American cinema.

And that's the Top 6 Killer Animal Films list. To feel the full force of animal fear be sure to get your tickets to the Double Creature Feature now.

Video Nasties: Part 2?

A certain, unwanted renaissance is happening throughout Britain. With a neo-Thatcherite government, the worst of the 70s and 80s is slowly seeping into everyday life.

Along side the cuts, strikes and recessions, another, more subtle beast is rearing it's hideous head. Could the latest interloper be the return of the video nasty legislation?

The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has powers to effectively ban films to protect the public from films that "pose a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk [to] potential viewers." I, personally, have a problem with this concept. I don't believe that, as an adult, any board (government run or otherwise) should decide what I am allowed to watch. However, that is not what this about.

In 2010, the BBFC demanded that 'A Serbian Film' cut over 4 minutes of footage in order to obtain an 18 certificate. It was the largest cuts ordered in over 16 years. A year later, Tom Six's 'The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)' was refused any classification and told that no amount of cuts could redeem it. After an appeal from distributors, the BBFC changed their stance and some 32 cuts laters, granted a certificate.

This is just part of the what may be to come though. Recently, the media as continued to ramp up the links between horror films and vicious crimes. Headlines scream them out to a baying, misunderstanding, misinformed public; "Sadistic Horror Film Fan," "Saw Torture Film Fan," "Horror Fan Jailed." The media, including some very respectable streams, regurgitate the phrase like it is a driving force or motivation.

In a recent case, a judge went so far as to mention it in court, sighting Australian film "The Loved Ones" and comparing a murder to a scene from the film. It is a worrying trend that is building in a society easily lead by a media that often puts sensationalism before responsibility and as history shows, it is not always the reasonable opinion that gets heard, but the loudest and often most hysterical.

Public hysteria coupled with and over zealous certificate board could lead to disasterous consequences for horror. Hopefully, common sense will prevail before such actions commence, but common sense has so far been absent in most other decisions.

So, be aware, you may sit at home and watch horror films right now, but who knows what evil may be lurking around the next corner. Maybe, even another Mary Whitehouse lies in waiting.

With that in mind I guide you to the BBFC Guidelines Review 2013, your chance to input your opinions on the classification process, I implore you to have your say.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day

Witching and Bitching!

Occasionally, in the dark and grisly world of horror, something catches my eye. Amid the generic nonsense, pointless remakes or unwanted sequels, something fresh and original grabs you like the boogeyman under your bed and won't let you go.

Sometimes it's a trailer, sometimes artwork, sometimes a mere concept or tagline is enough. For me, these films are often from mainland Europe. With that in mind, I present to you 'Witching and Bitching.' A film that appears to be as frantically, crazy as the title suggests.

 

The latest film from Spanish director Álex de la Iglesia, who is fast creating a reputation for himself in his homeland with his unique black comedies. If the trailer is anything to go by, this film will only serve to enhance it.

 

The trailer is one crazy image after the next, from Jesus with a shotgun to hands reaching from the toilet via flashing nuns. Delightfully madcap and deliciously shot, Las brujas de Zugarramurdi (Literally translated as 'The Witches of Zugarramurdi') tells the tale of a crew desperate man who steal 25,000 gold rings. Antonio (whose wife lets them down dramatically) and Jose, with his son in tow. When things go awry the group run make a break from the police only to run into a horde of crazed women with a taste for flesh. 

 

 

If the film is half as brilliant as the trailer suggests then it is rocketing toward the top of my "must watch" list.

Thank God for Spanish horror films. Viva Espana!

Happy St Patrick's Day

Top 6: Irish Based Horror

With March well under way St Patrick's Day is almost upon. We'll all raise a Guinness or two to Paddy and the Emerald Isle despite most of us being as close to Irish as we are to being the next Pope.

However, with the snake banishing patron saint in mind here is my list of Top 6: Irish Based Horror films.

Dorothy Mills
Not one for the lovers of action packed slashers or gore whores, Dorothy Mills is a very slow burning tale. The titular Dorothy has violently abused a child and psychiatrist Carice von Houten is sent to to investigate. Cue ghosts, rape, murder, mad priests and Irishmen playing the "you ain't from around here, are ya boy?" role. The film lacks polish, loses direction and could have been much better, but Jenn Murray excels as the multi personalitied Mills and, if you completely ignore the comparisons to The Exorcist (It really is nothing like it in the slightest), you might just enjoy it if you give it a chance.

The Ten Steps (short)
A cracking (or should that be craicing) little atmospheric short from Brendan Muldowney. Never has walking downstairs been so terrifying. I won't spoil anything for you, just watch the video below.

Leprechaun

A film not set in Ireland, not filmed in Ireland and containing very few Irish actors. So, what makes it so Irish? The wee Irish fella running around killing people to protect his gold and chasing a young Jennifer Aniston in her first feature. The film is silly and ridiculous but genuinely quite fun, it's certainly better than some other films Aniston made (I'm looking at you 'The Bounty Hunter.')

Ps. Fuck you, Lucky Charms!

Shrooms
An underrated stoner horror flick, shrooms is based around a couples retreat with a difference, they are going to go high. At least, that's the plan until Tara chows down on a "Death's Head" mushroom. People start dying, but is it just Tara hallucinations or something more sinister? Cue talking cows, a dogging death scene and a pretty nifty twist ending and you've got a pretty decent horror film.

Wake Wood
I'm sure no horror fans was disappointed when it was announced Hammer would start making horror films again. Many did approach with trepidation, however. Rightly so, Hammer's reputation was a big one to live up to, Wake Wood doesn't let Hammer down though. An ominous and atmospheric tale of resurrection (in direct comparison to the fate of Hammer themselves). Timothy Spall's chilling turn is excellent in a taut chilling horror with a shocking end.

Isolation
Killer cows? A comedy horror right? I mean how scary can cows be? Well plenty fucking scary in Billy O'Brien's Isolation. A tale of caution for genetic engineering, Isolation is gripped by an ever increasing, ever present, somber atmosphere that draws you in and never let's you go. The rural location gives you the claustrophobic setting the title suggests and allows for some excellently original scenes (including one with a slurry pit). A great film, not short of a death or two. Barnstorming (sorry, I couldn't resist).

That's my Top 6 Irish Based Horror films, thanks for reading and la fhéIke Pádraig shona daoibh.

Top 6: Crazy Killer Couples

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, love is in the air and as we all know, love does strange things to people. Sigmund Freud said, "One is very crazy when in love," which is never more true than with the half a dozen couples below. Here are my Top 6: Crazy Killer Couples.


6. A Perfect Getaway
What better way to show somebody you love them than by whisking them away on a Hawaiian honeymoon? If it's not your honeymoon then fear not, simply kill off the cute, young newly weds whose honeymoon it is and stand in their place. It will be even more romantic than that time you killed the neighbours dog at your date by the lake, right Rocky?

5. Mum & Dad
What do you get the man in your life who has everything? A Polish airport cleaner with a 'dodgy visa' so you can play out your weird pervertions together (Not to mention the torturing, killing and crucifiction).

4. The Loved Ones
Every parent should love their child, though definitely not as much as Daddy loves Lola in this excellent, Australian horror. Fraught with creepy sexual overtones between father and daughter that are as subtle as Ed Gein’s dating technique, The Loved One is chillingly gruesome and crazily fucked up… just like our happy, crazy couple.

 

 

3. Bride of Chucky

What’s scarier than a talking doll possessed by the soul of a crazed serial killer? Two talking dolls possessed by the souls of crazed serial killers of course. After years of torturing teens and tots alone, Chucky is finally reunited with his long lost lust Tiffany to terrorise them together (including a young Katherine Hiegl pre shitty romcoms).

2. People Under the Stairs

Our unnamed lovers from The People Under the Stairs certainly check a lot of crazy couple boxes;

• Live in a scary house – Check
• Own a scary pet – Check
• God fearing – Check
• Refer to each other by creepy names – Check
• Own a lot of weapons – Check
• Hidden treasure – Check
• Studded leather gimp suits - Check
• Teenagers from the town imprisoned in the basement – Check
• Oh… Incestuous brother/sister relationship - Check

Yep, they’re crazy.

 

1. Heavenly Creatures
Based on the real life story of the Parker-Hulme murder, Heavenly Creatures is just that age old love story; Girl meets girl and become friends, girls become inseparable, girls’ God fearing parents worry that their souls may be damned by homosexuality, girls’ parents try to split them up, girls bludgeon parents to death with rocks in a stocking. Ah, love.

So, there we have it, the Top 6 crazy killer couples. Happy St Valentine's Day.

Blood, Boobs & Booze: A Night at the Theatre with Circus of Horrors

Had we not been late, it would never have happened. If we were on time we would have gone into the show with everyone else, taken our seats and settled down to watch Circus of Horrors.

But we were late, only by a minute, but that was late enough. Now the beautiful Mrs Fright Writer has been set upon by lunatics… creepy lunatics completely clad in white jump suits, their faces concealed by white ski masks. They tug at her, try to forcefully remove her coat and, when she tries to escape to safety, they drag her back to commence their fun. A glamorous, curly haired woman giggles uncontrollably as she looks on, never intervening, enjoying the high jinks.

However, we are laughing too. There is nothing sinister here, this all performance and before anybody even treads the boards the show has begun for us because the attacking lunatics and the curly haired on-looker are part of the experience. It’s one of the beauties of Circus of Horrors; outside the theatre, in the foyer and in the show itself, the audience is always involved.

Whether it’s the lunatics crawling to the stage across the auditorium seats and audience heads or the volunteers hauled on stage to take part tricks; the medium for a possessed doll, the wearer of a water filled top hat, the victim of the switch in the banana trick. The front 5 rows are particularly involved, getting soaked by the Mighty Michaela’s alcohol, flashed by Captain Dan, drench in performers’ blood and showered with glitter by Anastasia IV as she spins high above the stage, attatched only by her hair.

There are also new freaks to interactive with in the circus this time, Vitali the contortionist and a real life, authorised, genuine, bona fide Mexican wolf boy… who walks on swords.

It is the old heads of the cast that really make the show however, none more so than my personal favourite Hannibal Helmurto. Hannibal is a sword swallower with a fork tongue, floating ribs, skin like an art covered canvas, implanted prehistoric mammoth ivory teeth and, scariest of all, is a former German tax man. *shudders*

This troupe of high flying, death defying, trick performing, freaks is lead by ring master and inventor Doktor Haze, a madcap genius with horror in his heart and music in his soul.

This circus is like no other that ever rolled into your town. It's chock full of danger, blood, nudity, sexual references, bad language and rock 'n' fucking roll! Circus of Horrors is glitz and guts, glamour and gore, all with a good sense of humour. If you have never seen it before, I urge you to book tickets now and maybe I'll see you at the show.

Until then, as the bad Doktor always says, "may all your dreams, be nightmares!"

Circus of Horrors

Cirque Du Soleil directed by Quentin Tarantino!” That’s how ‘Circus of Horrors’ is described by lead performer and show creator Doktor Haze. Last week I clambered from my hovel, with Mrs Fright Writer in tow, to cast a beady eye over this freak show.

So, on a cold, February night in Cardiff I find myself stood outside a theatre waiting to see the performance, but in reality, the show has already begun. A hunchback shambles his way up and down the queue entertaining the crowd.

The crowd themselves though are, kind of, part of the show. Among the ‘normal people’, a large number of the audience are dressed in a darkly gothic or deeply horror manner, as flamboyant as the performers themselves. Women in tutus and corsets, with body art and extravagantly coloured hair stand alongside shadowy men dressed in black. They are geeks and freaks, they are my kind of people.

In the foyer we are met by two scantily clad performers who greet the audience with a smile the opportunity to buy an official tour brochure and merchandise.

When we take our seats and while others pour in before the show begins we are entertained by ‘Daniel Disorderly’, the hunchback we met outside. Daniel entertains us with lewd jokes and “magic”. Then, as the show is about to begin, he runs as through the shows disclaimer with appropriate actions. We’re told it contains sexual content, nudity, bad language and is “not suitable for children, people of a nervous disposition, sissies & chavs.” It sounds like one hell of a show!

Then, as the lights go down, performer and Polish aristocracy Anastasia IV goes up, way up, performing a ballet routine through the air, high above the stage attached only by her own hair and accompanied by rock music. In the short routine we are introduced to exactly what we can expect over the next two and a half hours; sex, rock, horror, humour and death defying acts.

So begins one of the freakiest, most action packed shows you are ever likely to see on stage. Transported from an old asylum to the dystopian future metropolis “Sin City” via Mexico and Victorian London, we meet all sorts of oddities; our very flexible friend Kristina Garcia, Professor Daniel Von Henry aka Captain Dan a perverted midget, Hannibal Helmuerto a tattooed sword swallower with “floating ribs” and many other freaks including the man himself Doktor Haze.

The whole show continues at a dizzying pace. In a matter of seconds you’ll hold your breath in anticipation, gasp with horror and laugh with joy. In fact you may be glad of the interval just to catch your breath.

You’ll realise quite early in the show that, despite what Doktor Haze says, Tarantino it ain’t. No, this show is too horrifying, too gory, too much fun to be Tarantino. This show is more Fulci crossed with Rodriguez, it’s not afraid to bring things down to base level with wicked humour and smatterings of bodily fluids. Sure the acting isn’t always great and the story isn’t Shakespeare, but you will be too wrapped up atmosphere of the whole to even care.

It would recommend that everyone takes a look at the tour dates and goes to a show near them. This show really is like nothing else and with 15 years of performing under its belt it’s showing no signs of slow down.

Circus of Horrors have taken something sweet, laced it with sexuality, covered it in horror and dusted it with humour to create something far more mature and a lot more fun. It’s like adding vodka to jelly or chilli to chocolate, the innocence is gone but the pleasure is so much better.

The show beats with a black heart but it’s one that’s sprinkled with the gold glitter of showmanship. It puts glamour and horror together side by side to create something simply spectacular.

That’s all from me. I need to go to tell my wife I’m running away with the circus. Goodbye for now and in the words of Doktor Haze, ”may your dreams be nightmares."