Slowly over the past couple of weeks the news has filtered through that ‘Hellraiser’ will, almost certainly, be remade. Rumours and news stories have been banded about the internet about Todd Farmer writing the first draft of the script, Patrick Lussier signing on to direct and Amber Heard linked to the lead role. Undoubtedly though, the biggest talking point so far has been the Weinstein’s plan to follow the lead of the planned Alien remake, and make the film a PG-13. Fans in their droves hit blogging sites, social networks and film news websites to release their anger about such a decision. I have to say, I’m on the fans side. To make such a move is nonsense. If there was one iconic film that is not suitable to be remade as a ‘teen movie’, 'Hellraiser' is probably it. A gory, bleak film written by the unflinching Clive Barker with a heavy sadomasochistic undertone. It has subject matter as dark as Charlie Manson’s innards, Hellraiser certainly isn’t all fun and frolics. At least that's the way the original is made. This announcement suggests that the new film is not going to be a Hellraiser film at all, this is going to be a Pinhead film. You see Hellraiser is an intelligent film that taps into your psyche. This film isn't about the gore or the excellent make up, it's all about atmosphere and it's not suited to a younger audience. Pinhead, however, is a recognisable horror icon, who is easily replacated with a new actor.
I'm not being demeaning here. I'm sure there are teens who love the original, just as I did. There is no doubt though, if we speak in demographics here, teens are not the intended target of the source material. However, it is the teen market that brings in the big cash. PG-13 films fair much better at the box office than R-rated ones and in recent years it become clear that Hollywood is all about the cold, hard cash. Who cares about artistic input? Can creativity pay for a mansion in Beverly Hills? No! But, mass marketed, ill conceived shit can. So, cut the gory effects, ditch the sadomasochism, slash the themes of morality in fear and crank up the teens making bad decisions. Then, add a young, pretty actress running around in a tight, white vest while Pinhead follows behind. Also, we'll need some big name stars. Pinhead needs to be bald and should be bigger than last time, how about Vin Diesel? In fact, let's rename him Vinhead. Maybe, he could glitter when he goes into the sun, kids love that these days. How about Miley Cyrus, Zak Effron and that guy from One Tree Hill play the cenobites? Maybe they could finish with a sing off that Vinhead loses and gets sent to hell by Simon Cowell and some celebrity judges. It will never happen but if you are going to turn classics into teen flicks why not go hog wild? Anyway, I must go now I'm writing my English language, rom-com version of 'Irreversible'. Kidding.